I care A LOT about people. A LOTTTT. Especially when they are someone that is a big part of my life (like my friends and family). I will attempt to move mountains if it means making my friends or family happy (but not literally because I have noodles for arms). I have had this mentality for my whole life, so I never really saw a problem with it. "You just have a big heart Maddie," my mom would say to me all the time. "It's a blessing not a curse." She was wrong.
This "blessing" eventually became my biggest weakness. I would allow myself to get stepped on by those closest to me because I didn't want to lose them. That was my worst fear and still is today -- disappointing someone so much that they decide they don't want me in their life anymore and leave me in the dust. Which is pitiful I know but that's just how I was made. No matter what happened, no matter how trifling they were, no matter how much I KNEW FOR A FACT that I was right and they were wrong -- I would brush it off because I did not want to lose them. This attitude was not only present with my friends and family, it was present in my romantic relationships as well. If something made me uncomfortable or if there were red flags about a person, I would push them to the side because I did not want to lose them. Even when it eventually blew up in my face (because red flags are present FOR A REASON), I would go back and blame it on myself. "Ugh, I should have done this...." or "Dang it, I should have said this..." WHEN NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT. I would take on other peoples' mistakes, failures, and wrong doings and put them on me because I thought that what you were supposed to do. You are supposed to try to handle EVERYTHING when you are in a relationship and not help the other person work it out for themselves. You are supposed to take on the pain, regrets, and troubles of another person because that's what you are supposed to do when you love someone right?
WRONG SIS!!! I LITERALLY COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!!! Over and over again I began to sacrifice my sanity for another person who did not appreciate it as much as I wanted them to. Which just pissed me off??? Like I am over here giving up EVERYTHING to make sure that you are calm and serene even though I am over here literally losing my mind for you. YOU!!! I truly forgot who I was -- I lost my own identity because I was taking on the ones of the people I loved. It took me literally years (like finally got the hint this year) for me to realize that going this extreme for others was not healthy for me. I couldn't take on everything for them. As much as I wanted to be the shield that protected them from the bad things life threw at them in the present and in the past, I couldn't allow myself to get stabbed any longer. I had to change how I loved others. I had to let them work things out for themselves no matter how bad I wanted them to be happy. I had to...for once...choose myself.
I never do that. NEVERRR DO THAT. To me, my health and sanity is in last place to others (which is DEFINITELY NOT GOOD). I am working on it though. Making others happy makes me happy, but what happens when that person goes away? Or isn't happy at that moment? Or is specifically not happy with me? I had to learn how to find happiness within myself and not let it depend on others. I used to only be content if I had a guy I was talking to, or if my friends were succeeding on campus, or if my family was turning up in Sugar Land. However, now I am working on celebrating myself and my accomplishments, when I am having a good mental day, or even when I am not. It is easy to love yourself and put yourself first when times are easy -- it's when times are tough that the decision is something that requires contemplation. All of this to say, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO SOLELY FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND PUSH THOSE CLOSE TO YOU AWAY. NOT AT ALL. I am saying though that there is only so much you can do for a person, and that you have to figure out what your limits are. You have to realize that the healthiest decision might be to choose yourself and leave. Which will be hard. TRUST ME. I have tried to resist making this decision tons of times, especially now with me getting older. I knew in my gut though that I am the person I should be putting on top. You matter. How you feel matters. Don't put yourself in last place.
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Peace Out Girl Scout,
Maddie the Media Princess